Former Vice President Dick Cheney has always had a reputation of poor physical health and a generally sinister aura, but now both of those have been taken to the limit with the installation of a ventricular assist device (click image for full-size diagram) into his heart.
These devices are reserved for only the worst of heart failure cases, and according to the New York Times, would not have been administered unless Cheney’s life had been legitimately at risk.
As much as I may personally not be a fan of the guy, even I would never call for the man’s death, so I’m happy to see that there was a solution available for his heart condition. But I’m even happier knowing that it comes with an added perk for us media nerds to latch onto: Cheney has no pulse now. Most people with these machines have no pulse anymore. After all, the device does what the pulse would normally do, so there’s no need. Now, I’m no zombie expert, and I know Cheney isn’t technically undead, but come on — his current general state has to be close enough to the definition of zombie for it to be a legitimate question, right?
Cheney has not yet expressed whether he will use the assist device permanently or apply for a human heart transplant. And if we’re calling him a zombie now and then he gets a transplant of a beating heart, will he be un-undead? Only Cheney could master that level of creepiness. But all brain-eating jokes aside, I do wish him a healthy recovery from the operation.
BRAAAAIINS! POLITICAL POOWEEERRR!
