Best Florida Man Tweets

Florida Man has quickly become one of my very favorite Twitter feeds, representing a peculiar blend of stupidity, crassness, and mind-boggling lack of common sense that is a genre unto itself. If you aren’t following Florida Man, I don’t know what you’re doing with your time on Twitter, but I am prepared to say that you’re spending it poorly. Don’t take our word for it, though. Check out our fifteen favorite examples of behavior peculiar to Florida Man.

No. 1 | You Can't Use A Taco For ID, Florida Man

No, you can't use a chalupa either. You know what, Florida Man -- just get in the police car. Your car is on fire, anyway.
No. 2 | Florida Man Blames 18 1/2 Beers For Screaming Profanities At Neighbors

18 beers? You're fine. It's that last half beer that's gonna get you every time, Florida Man.
No. 3 | Florida Man Assaults Boyfriend For Listening To Alanis Morissette

We don't say this very often, Florida Man, but we know that feel, bro.
No. 4 | Florida Man Leaves Baby At Strip Club

See, Florida Man? This is why the rest of us leave our babies in the car when we go to the strip club.
No. 5 | Florida Man Waves Bat'leth In Busy Intersection

The 'Klingon sword' has a name, Florida Man. Do your homework next time.
No. 6 | Florida Man Provides Back Alley Butt Injections

I don't care what state you're in -- there's no way the phrase "back alley butt injections" denotes a good idea. Not even by your low standards, Florida Man.
No. 7 | Dog Runs Over Florida Man

I don't know what you did to this dog, Florida Man, but I'm betting you deserved to be run over here.
No. 8 | Florida Man Feeds Rum To Pit Bulls

File Under "Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time," eh, Florida Man?
No. 9 | Florida Man Too Fat For Jail

Way to beat the system, Florida Man. Fight the power!
No. 10 | Florida Man Has Mishap With Flare Gun

If you're not responsible enough to avoid contact between your crotch and a flare gun, Florida Man, I'm not sure you're responsible enough to have either.
No. 11 | Florida Man Attacks Roommate Who Didn't Buy Enough Drugs

Just remember -- no one ever got assaulted by their roommate for buying too many drugs. Not even when that roommate is Florida Man.
No. 12 | Florida Woman Shot By Oven

Of course, it was Florida Man who kept his bullets stored in the oven in the first place. How was he supposed to know it would get hot?
No. 13 | 80-Year-Old Florida Man Attacks Neighbor With Machete

Old Florida Men don't die. They just fade away and also occasionally attack their neighbors with enormous knives.
No. 14 | No, Florida Man, 911 Will Not Drive You To Mexico

No, not even if it's an emergency, Florida Man.
No. 15 | Florida Man Robs... What Now?

Robbing Girl Scouts, Florida Man? Don't you think that's a little much even for you?
No. 16 | Florida Man Rides Dying Sperm Whale

... and is issued a "warning." What kind of warning, we're not sure, but man, would we like to see that paperwork on Florida Man.