By far the largest retailer on the Internet, Amazon.com is a modern-day bazaar of wonders with an unbelievably vast inventory. Some of that inventory is really strange, and some very funny people have used Amazon’s “Reviews” section to send up products bizarre and mundane alike and show off their creative writing skills. Below, 50 of the funniest reviews on Amazon:
[View all on one page. Warning: long.]
No. 1 | Uranium Ore
No. 2 | Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
Jamie O'Shaughnessy: "This awesome bit of kit changed my life. The extra hours of work I could get in whilst driving on the freeway has made me so much more productive. In fact I directly attribute this to my improved bonuses and recent promotion! If you want to get ahead, get one of these.
There is one problem though. In several accidents that I have had whilst using this, the airbag causes the laptop screen to slam shut. I've suffered several broken fingers because of this. I have started to look around for airbag finger protection but have not yet found any..."
(Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 3 | JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank
Thomas Dunham: "I'll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I've purchased overpriced, so-called "battle tanks", then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter.
But not this baby, no way.
This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally- the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I'm dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can't say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I'm dropping off my kid's team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!
I had NAO install the optional GPS-guided white phosphorus missile system, and talk about *SWEET*! Burn baby burn!!!
Oh, it also has plenty of room for groceries, and if you need to like move a loveseat or something it'll fit if you use a little bungee cord.
The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on radar a little more than I like (although there is a polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also, the included spare isn't full size.
Overall, a great tank." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 4 | Three Wolf Moon
B. Govern: "This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."(Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 5 | Star Wars - Episode IV, A New Hope [VHS]
Ali (DA Film GENIOUS): "..I AM A BIG FAN OF MOVIES..WORKING IN A VIDEOSHOP / AND WORKED IN A CINEMA FOR YEARS.. I WATCHED ALL THE CLAASIC FILMS..WHAT I DONT UNDERSTAND IS WHY STAR WARS IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE BEST FILM.. ITS BORING / WHACKY STORYLINE / ANNOYING CHARACTERS.. DARTH VADER HAS SOME KIND OF MAGIC POWERS..(NECK TWIST BY FORCE?? OR SOMETHING) THATS ALL HE HAS TO DO TO KILL THEM ALL.BUT HE HAS SWORD FIGHTS INSTEAD..??? THERES A SCENE WHERE LOADS OF WHITE ROBOTS SHOOT AT HARRISON FORD. ITS WORSER THEN A BOLLYWOOD FILM..NOT A SINGLE LASER BULLET HITS HARRISON??"
(Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 6 | Nickel From 2003
Joshua D. Nathan: "A nickel for $4.55 seems a bit excessive, don't you think? Pretty sure I can get this for something like 9100% less elsewhere.
But I want to emphasize that this is a great product. I own several nickels myself, and find that they constantly come in handy." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 7 | UFO detector
A Trustworthy Human: "I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.
As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.
UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha
Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don't exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn't mind helping our fUtUre overlords!
Do not bUy this prodUct. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 8 | Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
Catherine Swinford: "After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist - I was always cooking dinner - and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.
Then there was that Friday, the terrible Friday that would ruin every Friday for the rest of my life. The door opened, but there was no bouyant greeting - no cold jug against the back of my arm. There was no Tuscan Whole Milk in his right hand, nor his left. There came no kiss. I watched as he sat down in a kitchen chair to remove his shoes. He wore no fatigue, but also no smile. I didn't speak, but turned back to the beans I had been stirring. I stirred until most of their little shrivelled skins floated to the surface of the cloudy water. Something was wrong, but it was vague wrongness that no amount of hard thought could give shape to.
Over dinner that night I casually inserted,"What happened to the milk?" "Oh,"he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,"I guess I forgot today."
That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That's when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I've gone soy. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 9 | The Secret
Ari Brouillette: "Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily. (Amazon product (via Inquisitr, since Amazon pulled the review) | Reviewer's page) Editor's note: Prison rape isn't funny.
No. 10 | Relaxman Relaxation Capsule
Sailoil: "One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I'm handy, so I installed one.
I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 11 | The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China
brutus: "This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn't you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I'm thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 12 | Smile Lines
A. Timmons: "Guys... don't buy this book if you ever want to live a life that isn't constantly filled with pain. Since the first moment I saw the face of the woman on the cover I can't get my mind off of it.
From day to day I'll put the book in my european carry-all. I bring her around and take pictures with her doing fun things. I hold up the book, hug it adoringly, and snap away. Sometimes I'll take it to lunch. I don't read it, but instead I just set it across the table from myself and have conversations with it... I mean... her. *sigh* I'm such a wreck. All I want to know is where I can find this gorgeous woman. Does she always wear those glasses? Is her nose that perfect in real life? Does she make love to me the way her picture on the book does?
I just feel so hopeless. In the meantime I have called her Helen. Only the most beautiful name would do for the world's most beautiful woman. I just want to meet her. I want her to talk to me while holding the book. I want her to read select passages to me while giggling flirtatiously.
I want to be with you forever Helen. I know that I can give you things of which you never dreamed. Our life together would be fantastic. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 13 | Regulatory Cost Recovery Fee
Nathaniel Granatir: "All I can say is: WOW! I've had regulatory cost recovery fees before, and this one blows them all away! As usual I was a bit skeptical at first, but after paying the regulatory cost recovery fee for a couple months I was hooked! I'll _never_ go back to my old regulatory cost recovery fees!! Now some of you may not be convinced, and you may think the price is a bit high, and it is - but you have to think about the value you're getting. I don't know about you, but I'm willing to pay a little bit more and get a more feature-rich and reliable regulatory cost recovery fee. And frankly, I wouldn't want my money going to a fee that I wasn't 100% sure would recover my regulatory cost. So in conclusion, if you're looking for a great, albeit somewhat pricey regulatory cost recovery fee, you can't go wrong with this one!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 14 | Parent Child Testing Product
Timothy Poteet: "I have tried many other Parent Child Testing products and frankly never had much luck with them. The product worked fine, but I am only giving it 3 stars for a couple of reasons:
1) I would prefer the option to purchase in quantities other than a 10 pack or a 15 pack. When I placed my order the 10 packs were out of stock, so I had to go for the 15 pack. I have only two parents and two children. Some of you math whizzes out there have already computed that in my situation, this left me with about 10 units too many.
2) Mine came without instructions. When I shell out $25,000 for testing equipment, I expect instructions.
Best I can figure, instructions are as follows:
PARENT CHILD TESTING PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS: 1) Remove one of the Parent Child Testing Products from your 10 or 15 pack. Exercise caution as each device weighs approximately 30 pounds and could cause serious injury if you should drop it on your foot. 2) While carrying the Parent Child Testing Product, very quietly sneak up behind the unsuspecting person whom you wish to test. 3) Yell "Mom" if the test subject appears to be female or alternatively yell "Dad" if you suspect that the test subject is male. 4) Count to 3 and then hurl the Parent Child Testing Product at the test subject's head.
Results may be interpretted as follows: Parent- If the test subject turns quickly at the sound of "Mom" or "Dad" being yelled and either catches or dodges the flying Parent Child Testing Product... the subject has tested positive as a "Parent."
Child- If the test subject fails to turn at the sound of "Mom" or "Dad" being yelled and remains engrossed in the cartoon that he/she is watching on television... resulting in a severe or fatal head injury, your test subject was most likely a child.
One caveat. In the case of aging parents who suffer from hearing loss, occasional false positives for "Child" may result. All in all a great product. A little pricey, but when you REALLY need to know if you're dealing with a parent or a child... why quibble over a mere $25,000? (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 15 | Microwave Cooking for One
Kyle Kruczek: "Alone in my dark apartment, having worn my 3 Wolf Moon T-Shirt as well for countless weeks, found this book to be my bible. I sit at my dining room table, playing World of Warcraft night after night, sobbing silently for want of notice by another human being. Pizza boxes piling up, chinese food leftovers filling my fridge, I was beginning to run out of options. I recently lost my job as a Custodial Consultant for sniffing the amonia in the utility closet. My funding for my gourmet meals from such world reknown chefs as Boyardi and Uncle Ben had begun running low. Stumbling in a drunken daze through the local bookstore, my elbow carelessly knocked a book onto the floor as I turned a corner. As I peered down, I saw the title, "Microwave Cooking for One."
Curiously, I picked it up and decided to have a a quick read. As I began flipping through the pages, I began to see that this was no ordinary cookbook. No my friends, this was a book passed down from the Gods themselves, displaying the infinite beauty of their messenger Marie T Smith on the cover. I knew at that moment, that this book would change my life. I purchased it with the last few dollars to my name and brought it home. Because of this book, I now eat like a King. Filet Mignon? Chicken Alfredo? Caviar? Its all in there. Not only do you never need to buy another cookbook, there will never be a book so beautifully written ever again. From that point, I ahve divided my life into two different categories, life before Microwave Cooking for One and life after, much like the Old and New Testament.
From this book I have made more friends than I can count, gained 30 pounds of rock hard muscle, and have a new job as VP of a major financial holdings company. This book worked for me, and I am sure it will work for you. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 16 | Knitting With Dog Hair
Actually, all of the reviews for this are serious, because this is a serious book. Be afraid.
No. 17 | Playmobil Security Check Point
prd: "I will never need to buy toothpaste again thanks to Playmobil. Not realizing this was a toy I purchased it to prepare for my interview as a TSA agent. Needless to say I aced it and have been happily viewing xrays of carry-on luggage and shoes ever since. As noted above, the free toothpaste is just icing on the cake - never expected a free lifetime supply, but who's complaining. This is a "must-have" for any aspiring TSA agent out there." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 18 | Wolf Urine Lure
Twal: "One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It has an incredibly effervescent bead -- the whole glass teams with bubbles -- culminating in a frothy layer at the head.
The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.
Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 19 | Wanderlust - A History of Walking
Ari Brouillette: "Let me preface this somewhat negative review by stating that I come from a family of walking enthusiasts and I myself am an avid collector of all literature dealing with personal locomotion. I must therefore judge this effort via comparison to the great pantheon of walking literature and not merely as an isolated effort. If you are a walking neophyte this book may well be the catalyst that sparks your interest for further study but I would not suggest this work as a thorough or exhaustive study of two legged ambulation. Indeed, this scant 335 page work rarely delves beyond walking and completely fails to examine other forms of personal transport such as tottering, strolling, or even waddling. It must therefore suffer in comparison to the exquisite detail in Sarah Bernhardt's "One leg too few: A history of hopping", in which the author painstakingly details and diagrams the kinetics achieved by Anthony Cumia, the only one legged person capable of moseying. It also suffers from a very sparse history of walking and does not cover any of the critical walking related achievements from our rich colonial times. I believe that most readers will be greatly displeased to know that no mention is made of Margaret Brent's trailblazing non-stop saunter from Philadelphia to Boston or the ensuing legal trials that resulted in her conviction and lengthy incarceration for inciting civil unrest by "walking in a salacious and wanton manner". While most historical treatises on American women's suffragist movements make no mention of the early campaigners for equal walking rights I certainly expect more from a novel claiming to be a "History of Walking". I know that the casual reader may take offense to such detailed scrutiny but it is a great sense of passion for the subject which guides my critical eye." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 20 | Yodelling Yodel Pickle TOY Novelty Retro Gag Gift
Timothy Poteet: "I loaned my iPod to my kid and he broke it. This understandably bummed me out, since I really enjoy taking long walks on the beach while listening to some tune-age. I'm kinda low on funds, so buying a replacement iPod wasn't an option for me. I was very fortunate to discover the Yodeling Pickle. I have been super pleased with the results. First of all, as luck would have it, the Yodeling Pickle just happens to yodel all of my favorite tunes that were stored on my iPod. Hits like "Bobbejaan Schoepen yodels the collected works of Black Sabbath" and of course Slim Whitman's edgy yodeling rendition of "Baby Got Back."
I have withheld one star from my review however, giving the Yodeling Pickle just four of five possible stars. There isn't a headphone jack, which is only a problem if the folks around me don't appreciate yodeling, (which almost NEVER happens). Also, I was accustomed to carrying the iPod strapped to my arm with the elastic armband accessory. Nothing like this is available for the pickle. On my beach walks, I've found that the pickle can be carried around by conveniently tucking it down into the front of my Speedo. I've met tons of nice ladies on the beach since scoring the pickle. I can only assume they dig yodeling as much as I do.
It's a great portable music solution for yodeling fans. Cheaper than an iPod and the chicks seem to dig it." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 21 | Grim Reaper on Skeleton Horseback Life-Size Prop
James M. O'Connell: "I had a life-sized Grim Reaper Skeleton in the kids' room for a couple of years, but I lost it in the move. I'd recommend this item with five stars (instead of four) if it came without the horse, but that option (the no-horse option) isn't available." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 22 | The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome
James Sweet: "The claims in this book are false. If you grind up a Bible and consume it in pill form, it will NOT cure your IBS. Maybe I was confused because I only read the title and not the actual book, but my results have been just terrible. I have spent over $300 on KJV Bibles, condemned myself to eternal hellfire for blasphemy, and I STILL have irritable bowels.
When I get some more money, I intend to try it again with New International Version Bibles, because I hope this will be more effective." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 23 | Moon People
Editor's note: Check out this excerpt of the book to get a sense of what this is all about.
Sloat Fresno: "A good book. I like the spaceship on the cover.
This is a book. And Also its a Good book, one to read. The auther who goes by the Name of Daryl M. Corteney really has a nack for Good science Fiction telling. Also the Story.
Now I dont want too Give to much away. In my review, So your going to have to. Read, the Book you're self. But serve ice it to Say, your going to Read some things here. That you really did'nt expect. I Took one star Off for being Short and Singlespaced. But hey." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 24 | Milk Carton Hat
Timothy Poteet: "A sporty alternative to the ballcap
Those of you who follow my reviews know that I have a fondness for classy headware. When I go out to the discos, I like to be looking my best and I needed a hat that would go nicely with my white Saturday Night Fever style leisure suit. The Milk Carton Hood Adult Hat looked promising. I have a silk shirt that perfectly matches the blue writing on the carton and alot of ladies have told me that when I combine the Milk Carton Hood Adult Hat with that particular shirt, it really draws attention to my "pretty blue eyes" (blush). A hat like this exudes confidence. It says "Hey ladies... I'm different... I have my OWN type of swagger..." For the finely appointed gentleman, this hat will make a classy addition to your hat collection." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 25 | Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass
Kristen B: "So finally a weight loss product that I can use, and has results! I have so far used 2 of the kits and the first time was really messy and I almost died. I passed out after the 2nd incision to plant the bypass and passed out. I bled out all over and luckily my yellow lab ran outside after walking in my blood, my neighbors got concerned and called 911. I was saved after loosing a large amount of blood.. My dog saved my life! The second operation I was drunk and was able to perform with little to no side effects other then a nasty scar and a infection that took about 1 month to heal, but all is good and I am skinny now! .. I am so happy I got this kit as who need exercise and eating right! I can eat all I want and every 6 months there is truly a quick fix to weight loss!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 26 | Inflatable Toast
PositiveLastAction: "I have used many different types of inflatable toast an I can say without question that this is the best inflatable toast out there. The toast inflates quickly and with ease..this is important when I am pressed for time and need inflatable toast at a moments notice. If you are like me and can't be without a high quality inflatable toast, THIS is the one for you!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 27 | Holy Bible - Stock Car Racing Edition
K. White: "All my life, I've heard such great things about this book. But whenever I started to read it, it was all "so-and-so begat hisself, and then he begat whatsisname". Sure there was some nudity at the beginning, but they cover up soon enough and start begatting (go figure).
I hear there's plenty of killing and stuff, but I never make it that far. I made halfway through Leviticus once, and that was just too much.
But now, I think I might try it again. After all, I hear this one has pictures of my favorite drivers and a few interesting pages from them scattered amongst the "thou-shalt-nots" and the begats.
So, I figure I'll at least read it like a magazine, flipping through until I get to full-color pages with pictures of folks I know saying things I already agree with.
Thanks Zondervan, for making the Bible relevant to my life! (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 28 | Hgiyiyi (hgjhjh, hjhk)
K. Polzin: "The highly-anticipated sequel to Jhjykyk keeps you on the edge of your seat from the very first paragraph. Hgiyiyi picks up right where Jhjykyk left off. It both answers your lingering questions and creates so many new ones. That is the genius of jjjj, who is not only a unique writer, but who also translates his books himself!
I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the third book to come out. After reading Hgiyiyi, I know you will be too." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 29 | Fresh Whole Rabbit
No. 30 | AudioQuest K2 terminated speaker cable - UST plugs 8-foot (2.44m) pair
Whisper: "We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.
PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long... I will type as fast as I can.
DO NOT USE THE CABLES!
We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this... accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the... whispers... began.
Were they Aramaic? Hyperborean? Some even more ancient tongue, first spoken by elder races under the red light of dying suns far from here? We do not know, but somehow, slowly... we began to UNDERSTAND.
No, no, please! I don't want to remember! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER! I saw brave men claw their own eyes out... oh, god, the screaming... the mobs of feral children feasting on corpses, the shadows MOVING, the fires burning in the air! The CHANTING!
WHY CAN'T I FORGET THE WORDS???
We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.
Do not use the cables! (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 31 | Five-Pound Fat Replica
DK9777 : "I've been searching for a good body fat replica for years. You think it would be easy, right? But it's not. Some are not nearly pliant enough. Some look too fake. I even found one that was actually greasy and just not good for my body fat demonstrations.
But that's not the case this time! This is the best five pound body fat replica on the market. If you show this baby to someone carrying an extra forty pounds, they are sure to take notice. Show it to your kids and they will suddenly want to go out side and play. It might be the premier body part replica on the market--even better than dirty lungs, clogged arteries, or decaying teeth!
Bonus points for the realistic blood vessels!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 32 | 4500 Live Ladybugs
ClarkstonCracker: "I was impressed with the quick delivery of my order. The ladybugs arrived in a vacuum sealed bag two days after I ordered them. They appeared healthy.
I was in desperate need for 3800 live ladybugs, but the only supplier on amazon decided to sell them in boxes of 4500. I did not want to wait for my necessary quantity to go up for sale, so I was forced to order what was available.
As soon as I received them, I wanted to verify I received what I paid for. I was upset after spending 13 hours counting them when I realized I had actually only received 4491 ladybugs. Seeing as I paid (...) per ladybug, I'm pretty upset about not receiving my complete order. Then again, I only need 3800.
I quickly released the extra 691 ladybugs out my front door. Seeing as it's 14 degrees out, they didn't make it very far.
Now on to my plan: I was laying in bed six weeks ago, and I was doing some math. Ladybugs reproduce at a rate of 180 per "couple" per month. This means that there is huge profit potential in the ladybug business. Let me explain this with some math.
3800 = 1900 Couples. This is what I wanted to start out with. 1900 couples x 180 babies output will net me 342,000 total ladybugs the first month. The next month I would have 171,000 couples which would yield 30,780,000 in 30 days.
I'm sure you can see how many ladybugs I will have in a year. Basically I'll have a trillion, or something. I didn't get that far, I just knew I was going to be rich. And I say "was" because I found the downside of this so called "4500 ladybugs for (...)".
They're all males, and they're gay. It took me 30 days to realize this because they never had any babies. I missed all the signs, including the loose stool, and the bow legged walks they were exhibiting.
I'll rate these a four. Quick shipping, and I guess I received what I ordered. I just wish they would have stated more details on the product. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 33 | 3M 8979N Performance Plus Nuclear Duct Tape, Slate Blue 48mm Wide x 54.8M Long
honeybearsf: "When we found cracks in the containment structure, we used to have to shut the whole plant down; then there was a lot of hassle with the nuclear regulatory agency about structural integrity and environmental contamination. With this quality duct tape, that's all in the past. Now, when we see a cracked or crumbling wall, we just bring out the tape. The slate blue blends right in. I do recommend that you use use double layers for openings near the reactor core." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 34 | Guardian Angel
No. 35 | Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
Michael McKinley: "A caution to people buying these: if you do not follow the "directional markings" on the cables, your music will play backwards. Please check that before mentioning it in your reviews.
I was disappointed. I consider myself an audiophile - I regularly spend over $1000 on cables to get the ultimate sound. I keep my music-listening room in a Faraday cage to prevent any interference that could alter my music-listening experience. Sending any signal down ordinary copper can degrade the signal considerably. While ordinary listeners might not notice, to somebody with even a rudimentary knowledge of sound, the artifacts are glaring. Denon should have used silver wiring (hermetically sealed inside the rubber sheath to prevent any tarnishing, of course), which has a significantly higher conductivity than copper. Furthermore, Denon needs to treat the wires they use in the cable with a polarity inductor to ensure minimal phase variance.
Needless to say, I returned the cable and wrote an angry letter to the so-called engineers at Denon." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 36 | Male Testicular Exam Model Anatomy (NSFW?)
BusterBudgie: "It's this year's must-have Christmas gift! If you've already given the people whom you love a Three Wolves t-shirt, this year, give them these fake nuts. I was going to give my wife a pair of diamond stud earrings, and my kids were going to get an Xbox w/Kinect, but now, nuh-uh. It's male testicular exam models for everyone!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 37 | Cinnamon Toothpicks
Mister Quickly: "Toothpicks really make me sentimental. I remember well my first toothpick, "Gabriel." An admirable piece of wood, so graceful in the ways of dislodging food from between ones teeth, his dance like the effortless grace of a Darcey Bussell. Alas, I was but a child and misused Gabriel, splintering him on an unprincipled frog bone snagged between my first and second premolars. I will never forget Gabriel. On the someteenth anniversary of his removal of a very recalcitrant pomegranate seed I decided to peruse Amazon for a replacement. I was suprised at the results.
This product advertises itself as "low-in-fat, high-in-taste." This is marvellous because I am on a diet. A good majority of us lack the digestive enzymes necessary to process wood. Although, my colleague Gareth Mitchell Headgraves is a rarity. I admit I become anxious when I leave himself alone in a room with a good piece of teak. In any case, despite a few misguided efforts, I cannot digest wood and will reaffirm that for most of us this product is low in fat.
After trying this product I became intruiged by a fellow reviewer's suggestion to try making your own home brew cinammon sticks. His have been brewing for 29 years. This engorged my curiousity. What flavours could I impregnate a toothpick with? Could I try a sweet Canary wine? Or a supple juniper extract? Perhaps a melegueta pepper?
3 stars because this product only opened up my curiousity for new toothpick flavours, and now find cinnamon to be lacking.
PS - fortunately for the parsimonious among us, Amazon has this item listed as used." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 38 | Box Canvas Print of PAUL ROSS
Editor's note: Paul Ross is apparently a famous British person.
I. Aisthorpe: "Yesterday I was a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future. Then I bought this. Now I'm a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future, but with a 20" Canvas of Paul Ross. You just never know what lies around the corner." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 39 | Borat Mankini Swimsuit
No. 40 | Elephant Camouflage Kit
Helen: "This stuff is brilliant. I too have made my herd of elephants invisible to the human eye. I'm sure you know what's coming next.
I have no flipping clue where my elephants are. Only by carefully inspecting the butter dish can I tell when they have been in the fridge. For all I know they have left the country or are carrying out a series of bank robberies. Keep 'em peeled, folks.
So 5 stars for effectiveness but only 1 for utility. I can't for the life of me even remember why I wanted to paint my pachyderms in the first place.
I am now in the market for a cohort of zebra as I have invented a giant bar code reader and I want to try it out. Can exchange for some roller brushes (used once) & some fencing which is almost certainly not elephant proof, but to be honest I have no real way of knowing." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 41 | Ghost Pepper Naga Jolokia Hot Sauce
Editor's note: This one appears to be a true story. Yikes. Benjamin Chodroff: "I purchased a burrito from a small shop a few blocks from home. I was unimpressed with their habanero "hot" salsa. Eager to kick it up a notch, I reached for a bottle of what I later found to be Dave's Gourmet Ghost Pepper Jolokia Hot Sauce. I unscrewed the top and went to put a dab on. I quickly realized that there was no flow regulation but not before a large pool of the magma colored liquid dripped into my lunch. I decided to dab my finger in it and see what I was dealing with. It was formidable, sweet and flavorful with a long heat. I thought I could take the heat.
I demolished the burrito, hot sauce and all, and shrugged off the pain. Every bite was saturated with the taste of a thousand tortured souls but the guacamole still tasted great. I wiped my tingling lips and while downing a glass of water I looked at the bottle. It claimed a heat rating of "Insanity++." I headed home thinking surely the worst must be over. I've ate plenty of hot food and my stomach is battle tested. I was wrong.
I walked no more than a block before I started to feel odd. It was in the forties in Cleveland but I could feel the sweat forming on my brow. I walked another block and I could literally feel the burning sensation outlining my stomach. My breaths were noticeably faster and shorter. People on the street looked at me weird. I figured it would go away by the time I got home but I decided to pick up the pace. By the time my apartment was in sight I was experiencing tunnel vision and it felt like a live agitated weasel had been placed inside me. I knew what I had to do. After flushing my lunch, a tablespoon of this sauce, half a gallon of milk, and my ego down the drain, I can honestly say I am just happy to be alive. This sauce is not for mortals. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 42 | Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen
M. Williams: "Since taking delivery of my pen I have been very happy with the quality of ink deposition on the various types of paper that I have used. On the first day when I excitedly unwrapped my pen (thanks for the high quality packaging Amazon!) I just couldn't contain my excitement and went around finding things to write on, like the shopping list on the notice board in our kitchen, the Post-it notes next to the phone, and on my favourite lined A4 pad at the side of my desk.
My pen is the transparent type with a blue lid. I selected this one in preference to the orange type because I like to be able to see how much ink I have left so that I can put in another order before I finally run out. When the initial excitement of taking delivery of my new pen started to wear off I realised that I shouldn't just write for the fun of it, this should be a serious enterprise, so by the second day of ownership I started to take a little more care of what I wrote. I used it to sign three letters, and in each case was perfectly happy with the neatness of handwriting that I was able to achieve.
I have a helpful tip for you that you might not know about - if you let the ink dry for a few seconds you can avoid the smudging that sometimes happens if you rub the ink immediately after writing. Fortunately the ink used in this particular Bic pen seems to dry very quickly.
On the third day of ownership I went on a trip to London and took my pen carefully packed away in my brief case, but I needn't have worried, this isn't some temperamental ink pen that leaks when you store it at the wrong angle. I sat at my meeting and confidently removed the cap from my pen and it wrote flawlessly, almost immediately.
I notice that the barrel of the pen has been crafted very carefully to fit in the pen holder down the edge of my Filofax. It's not so grippy so that it is hard to remove when I want to make a quick note, and yet not so loose that it falls out too easily when I open my Filofax in a hurry. Maybe the choice of surface texture on the pen has some part to play here, because it seems that the inside of the leather grip on the pen holder in my Filofax has just the right level of adhesion that I can be confident when I need to reach in and get my pen it's going to be just where I left it!
Today is the fourth day of ownership of my pen, and I have to say I'm starting to treat it like an old friend. I walk around the office with it clipped in to my shirt pocket and someone in the accounts department actually asked to borrow it while we were both standing at the photocopier. Would you believe it, they actually tried to walk away with my pen! They were very embarrassed when I called after them as they walked down the corridor and asked for it back. You will be happy to know that it is now back, safe and sound in my top pocket, ready and waiting to start writing again.
In summary, I would happily recommend this pen to anyone who is planning on writing on paper. If you are considering a writing implement for some other surface such as writing on a CD, or other non-porous substances then another pen might be better suited, but if it's just plain old paper then I think you will probably be well served by this particular model." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 43 | Uh...
F Bomber: "First, I have to admit that I did not buy this book at Amazon. Instead, I found a well-read copy jammed next to my seat on a Greyhound bus. I was broke, having spent my last $[...] on a one-way ticket from Phoenix to someplace better. Any place better. My ticket said Seattle, But I never wanted to go to Seattle. The truth is, I wanted to go to San Francisco, but I was afraid to say it. I was worried that the old man behind the glass would think I was a fag if I bought a ticket there. So I just said the name of the closest city I could think of.
So anyway, the book. I found it as soon as I sat down on the bus. The bright red cover, showing a buxom blonde leaning submissively forward, revealing cleavage a guy could fall into, really caught my attention. I held the book, thinking how lucky I was to have found something to read as we crossed the desert. And then, a moment later, I just felt dirty. I mean, this was somebody else's book, and just keeping it for myself felt like stealing. I checked with the bus driver to make sure I had time, and I took the book to the ticketing desk to see if anyone had reported it missing.
"Excuse me," I said through the small hole in the bullet resistant glass. "Did anyone lose a book called 'What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples: I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!'?"
The lady behind the counter picked up the phone.
"I found this book in my seat," I said, pressing the cover to the glass. "I think somebody might have lost it. Maybe it's important to them."
I watched her glazed, half-lidded eyes scan the cover. First she looked at the cleavage, and the title, and then back at the cleavage.
She dialed the phone, and talked quietly into the mouthpiece. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but she had to repeat the name of the book twice.
"Somebody will be right with you," she said.
Great, I thought. I was glad I hadn't kept it and had decided to do the right thing. I felt like I'd just put some Karma in the bank, and didn't need it back right away. It was a good feeling.
"Is that your book, sir?" said a baritone voice behind me. I turned to see three security guards. Two of them were huge, with shaved heads and bulging biceps, barely restrained by their too-tight uniforms. The other was a lanky guy with a big beer belly, whose uniform must have been borrowed from one of the other two. The name tag of the guard addressing me read 'Bubba.'
"No," I said, holding the book so they could see the cover. "I found this on the bus and wanted to see if anybody had reported it missing."
"Is that pornography, sir?" Said Bubba, eying the cover.
"That better had not be pornography," said the other burly cop, whose name tag also said 'Bubba.'
"I don't know what it is," I said. "It's called 'What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples: I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!'"
"Sir!" said the first Bubba. "Do not swear. If you swear again, I will arrest you!"
"I didn't swear," I said. "I just read the title of this book. See? The word 'Nipple' is right there...."
This was my first experience being tased. Every muscle in my body tensed and vibrated in unison. I could hear my own voice, but I couldn't control it. It was detached, but I could tell I was screaming. I slowly became aware that somebody else was screaming, too. In fact, a lot of people were yelling things. As I regained my senses, I noticed a couple of people were filming with their camera phones.
"Jesus, Bubba!" I heard someone say. "Put that taser away! This is the third time today!" It was the lanky guy, who was apparently Bubba's supervisor.
"I didn't do nothin!" said the other Bubba.
"Not you, idiot." Said the supervisor.
"What did I do?" I pleaded. "I just wanted to return a lost book! It's called 'What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples: I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!'"
Bubba tased me again.
"Bubba!" Yelled the supervisor. "Knock it off!"
Bubba released the trigger. I was on the floor, and my body felt strangely relaxed, but only compared to the seizure I'd just experienced. Relaxed or not, my entire being hurt. I noticed Bubba was getting his hand-cuffs out.
Long story short, I never got on the bus. I was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and interfering with interstate commerce. I'm currently half-way through a nine month sentence, wearing pink underwear, picking up trash on Arizona roads.
The book 'What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples: I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!' is in an evidence locker somewhere. I hope to read it some day. I wonder what it's about. (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 44 | All My Friends Are Dead
No. 45 | Breguet Tourbillon Messidor Mens Rose Gold Watch. Price - $118,199.99
Dylan: "I actually first saw this watch at a neat little store in Luxembourg, as I was refilling my ruby-encrusted helicopter with gasoline made out of unicorn tears. I passed it by, thinking nothing of it, but as I landed on the solid gold helipad of my fourteen-story chateau, it got me thinking: What am I missing in my life? I asked my pedigree manservant to fetch me the name of this trivial timepiece, and with a knowing chuckle I discovered that this Tourbillon watch came from the same countryside workshop as my armoir made of faberge eggs! Hearing this, of course, it had to be mine. Having purchased this watch, I can tell you first hand that it is worth every penny. The ability to tell the time when I look at my wrist is well worth the money. Of course, I had to buy three for my long-wristed manservant; sometimes it is a bit too much trouble to look at one's own arm. But whether you're scaling a custom-made solid platinum full-scale replica of Mt. Everest, or diving to the depths of the Adriatic Sea in your sapphire-encrusted submarine, you can be sure that this watch will tell you the time." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 46 | adidas World Cup 2010 Official Match Soccer Ball
Robert Green, “Goalkeeper Extraordinaire”: "This ball is a complete disgrace. I am like the third best goalkeeper in England and I can't even stop this thing. A buddy of mine kicked a slow roller to me and I completely muffed it in front of billions of people. Now people in my country will never forgive me for this. And it wasn't even my fault! IT WAS THE BALL!!! It dipped and swerved and I could only get my fingertips on it. I hate this ball. Now James will be the goalkeeper for England but I bet he can't stop this thing either. It's like impossible." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's Page)
No. 47 | TMX Tickle Me Elmo
S. "This Elmo is all about the tickling...extreme tickling. You can tickle this Elmo in one of his 3 tickle spots and he's going to laugh harder and harder. You might say his laughter is EXTREME! TMX works ok on uneven surfaces. At times he falls and can't get up, but we attribute that to the extreme nature of his laughter.
TMX is a catchy name, be careful not to confuse with rap star DMX, although both have a propensity for losing their mind up in here. That said, TMX reasons for losing his mind are a little more innocent than his rapping cousin, D." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 48 | Acupuncture Pig Model (SM-9)
Twal: "All keen hog-fanciers will be aware of their proclivity for the weed. My pot-bellied pig had a 60-a-day habit which gave him bad breath and a chesty cough - kissing him ceased to be pleasurable!
When modern, so-called scientific medicine failed to help, I turned instead to the ancient Chinese art of acupuncture. As my do-it-yourself starter kit only included a pressure-point chart for humans, I was naturally delighted to find this 3-D model fashioned out of lustrous vinyl and mounted on a hard-wood presentation stand.
It took a few sessions of jabbing and poking before I managed to hit the right meridian needed to re-balance my swine's energy-flow enough for him to quit this vile habit.
Sceptics might claim that this form of alternative medicine is worthless, lacks a scientifically plausible rationale and is unproven by comparison to conventional medicine, which is based on overwhelming observable evidence." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 49 | A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates
B. MCGROARTY: "The book is a promising reference concept, but the execution is somewhat sloppy. Whatever algorithm they used was not fully tested. The bulk of each page seems random enough. However at the lower left and lower right of alternate pages, the number is found to increment directly." (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)
No. 50 | Zubaz pants
Y. R. Wu: "DO NOT WEAR WITH THREE WOLF MOON T-SHIRT!
Having recently moved into an upscale manufactured housing facility thanks to the luck conveyed upon me by my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, I stumbled upon the Zubaz pants here at Amazon and decided that these would complement the crisp, confident, and rugged image conveyed by the T-shirt.
Black Zebra naturally, as these are the sartorial equivalent of the red power tie or a navy blazer with bright buttons. My buddy has an original pair that I always admired. I should warn that in direct sunlight the high contrast pattern of these pants, if viewed directly, can cause dizziness and disorientation. That's why I keep my Oakley Blades on a leash around my neck, just in case.
I had just returned to my humble abode from the pheresis donation center when the UPS driver pulled up with my package. Realizing what was being delivered I grabbed the box, thanked the driver and mostly ran up the five steps to my double wide.
Hopping on one foot while trying to get my acid washed jeans over my boots, I simultaneously opened the box with what pass for my teeth. As I pulled the silky polyester over my legs I was simultaneously struck by a sense of awe and wonder. That's when I fell over and nearly knocked myself out on the rear projection television in the living room.
In hindsight I should have realized that this was the first sign of trouble.
After putting the pants on and admiring them for a few hours, I went down to the Wal-Mart to get some scratch and wins. I went over to Arbys and smoked half a pack of Marlboro Light Menthols down to the filter while I went carefully through the lottery tickets, rubbing each one on the Moon for luck. After 25 tickets, I hadn't even won $2!!!!!
Perhaps it was the nicotine, perhaps it was the sheer awesomeness of my attire which overwhelmed me, but I didn't realize that this was another sign that things were not altogether correct.
In the next 48 hours I misplaced my keys, lost my job at Waffle House, was rejected by four women I tried to pick up, chipped my remaining front tooth when I botched a flying roundhouse kick breaking up a fight at the roadhouse, and even spilled ketchup on my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt while eating a chili-dog.
To add insult to injury, someone keyed my Camaro. Three days later I found myself face down in a puddle of my own sick, choking back the tears of a wasted youth.
I don't know how to explain it but the awesome factor of the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt is not in fact multiplied by the Zubaz pants. It's like Cold Fusion - once you bring two multifarious confidence and testosterone factors into play, the inverse coalition of chronological extremes dipolarizes the original fulcrum.
That is to say, not only do they cancel each other out, you're screwed.
I've burned the pants, bought another Three Wolf Moon T-shirt and even tried the Breakthrough Wolf T-Shirt.
Nothing has restored my Mojo.
Upon quiet reflection I've come to accept my fate. Don't let this happen to you!" (Amazon product page | Reviewer's page)