The newest release in the long-winded Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise is now in theatres. I’m sure, somewhere, somebody is rejoicing that fact. It’s probably worth mentioning that my despair didn’t stop said movie from raking in boatloads of cash. Literal boatloads. Okay, not really. But still, a lot of money was made. My despair also had nothing to do with Roger Ebert giving the most recent iteration fewer stars than Mel Gibson’s latest outing, The Beaver. Yes, the one where he wears a beaver puppet on his hand throughout the film. That is what scored more favorably.
This turn of events brought to mind other movie franchises that managed the trifecta but couldn’t quite pull off the fourth. Also, just to get it out of the way, I am fairly positive The Matrix would be included here were it not for the remarkably sane decision to stop at three.
1. The Terminator
Clearly, the best way to revitalize a franchise that has been dormant for a number of years is to move things even further into the future and cut out the entire original cast. Surely, removing the one huge name originally attached to the franchise will have no ill effect. This had to be the thinking of the people that decided to produce Terminator Salvation, the fourth and preferably last of the Terminator films.
Not only did the movie flop, but it did so impressively. Even floating off the nostalgia for the original three, hiring Christian Bale to play John Connor and being a movie about a robotic apocalypse didn’t manage to save it. Just imagine how awesome that all sounds and then imagine it all going horribly, horribly wrong. Now you don’t need to watch it.
2. Tremors
I would be remiss to discuss franchises that so thoroughly ruined the goodwill they originally generated without including the cult classic known as Tremors. It started off poorly and only went downhill from there. The original Tremors, however, was and remains a nice block of entertainment.
But the sequels were all direct-to-video and the last was a prequel… that was also direct-to-video. Please, don’t ever bring up the ill-fated television series. I beg of you. I guess this is what happens when the best movie in your series has Kevin Bacon as the star. One might think the only place to go form there is up, but then Tremors went and proved otherwise.
3. Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean happens to be the lone entry that has yet to spawn a semi-successful television series. But then, it’s also the only successful movie franchise to have spawned from an amusement park ride. So, I guess it has that going for it. Beyond the shiny veneer of CGI and the intense eyeliner on Mr. Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, however, there appears to be little of consequence in the latest film. It strongly reminds me of the second season of a hit show; they have to tread new ground while also maintaining all that drew the audience in the first place. Unfortunately for Pirates, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley have already checked out.
4. Star Wars
Do I even need to explain why Star Wars died after The Phantom Menace? If I do, two words should suffice: Hayden Christensen. Enough said.
5. Indiana Jones
A good rule of thumb should read thusly: The more times George Lucas fiddles with a franchise, the less the original audience cares for it. Indiana Jones, unfortunately, did not escape this fate. The latest, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, illustrates this perfectly. Depending on the person you ask, you’ll likely receive one of about three common answers as to why the fourth Indiana Jones was so awful that they should reconsider making a fifth. This ranges from the involvement of aliens to Shia LaBeouf’s role as a greaser. Personally, it was the erstwhile protagonist’s survival of a nuclear bomb within the confines of a fridge that solidified my hatred.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Why, yes, I am counting the entirely animated TMNT from 2007 as the fourth movie in this semi-fabled franchise. Otherwise, it would have been an entirely perfect trilogy filled with bizarre animatronics, ooze, Corey Feldman voicing a giant mutant ninja turtle with a purple headband and Vanilla Ice.
Some may have disliked the element of time travelling in the third. To those people, I would like to remind them of the even sillier elements of the fourth. Living statues, people. Also, finding one particular element off-putting in a series revolving around mutated terrapins seems hypocritical, at worst, and difficult at best.
