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What happens if you try to break up with Bill?
Well, he's going to kill your new guy, for starters. Then he'll try to kill you. At your wedding.
If it turns out he doesn't succeed, he'll take your kid and leave you in a hospital where strangers have sex with your comatose body.
When you eventually track him down, you'll have to kill your daughter's father in order to get her back.
Them's the rules. What, you thought dating an assassin in a Quentin Tarantino movie was going to end any other way?
Eric Limer
You have to tew two tutus?! I have to tew two tutus too!
Max
The Pizza and Pasta Foundation supports the federal SAUCE act. Ask your congressman to put some SAUCE on it!
Eric Limer
I like how if you make a mistake typing a popular URL, invariably the site you find is all "YOU'RE WINNER!" It's uplifting for a second.
Max
Spam for work involves a false teeth supplier and someone looking to buy magnetic plates.
Eric Limer
So that improv show was definitely a good idea. Ben Schwartz, Zach Woods, Justin Long, AND Adam Scott. #EverythingWentBetterThanExpected
Max
Got a lot crossed off my to-do list tonight, and I'm starting to feel significantly less freaked about about, well, life.
Eric Limer
I need trephination like I need a hole in the head.
Max
AIM CHAT: I like you, too. *belushis*
Eric Limer
Listening to Call Me Maybe and cropping screengrabs of Twitter bots. It's times like this that I really love my job.
James Plafke
Popular rapper Ladies Love Removed Eyes.
Eric Limer
I am genuinely enjoying using So.cl to make weird picture mash-ups. I just made a collage of becks. http://t.co/ulGbDbwn
Eric Limer
This Facebook IPO coverage needs to stop cuz I'm seriously sick of seeing Zuckerberg staring creepily at me from the top of every story.
Max
Put on your poodle skirts and choose your favorite syrup because we're gonna have a sock-hop at the iHop.
James Plafke
I just threatened my mom to email me something by telling her I'd discuss with her all the lady celebrities I'd have sex with.
Max
New Hallmark Card: "I held an extended conversation with you without being able to remember your name" Inside: "I'm sorry."
Eric Limer
To any of you bros who might like to ice me, I encourage you to act on that urge, bro.
Eric Limer
If anyone is looking for some totally garbled, nigh-incomprehensible ad copy, I'm your man.
Eric Limer
What? None of my Facebook friends are on So.cl? How can this be?!
Eric Limer
"Does this mustache look creepy? Experts are blind; can't tell."
Rollin Bishop
Lin Beifong is suddenly one of the best things about Legend of Korra.
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