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Entertainment Thursday, January 3rd 2013 at 10:42 am

Riker Ipsum Now a Thing, All Other Random Text Generators Officially Irrelevant

Do you need a random text generator? Are you tired of boring old lorem ipsum generators that spew meaningless, charm free phrases of latin? Do you worry that some of those phrases could be dark incantations meant to call forth ancient evils? If any of the above things are true, than we have your solution: Riker Ipsum, a new random text generator that generates only the finest content in the Alpha Quadrant — a continuous string of the sayings and phrases of Commander William Riker of the starship Enterprise. So if you need some random text generated, if you’re just running a little low on words of beardy, brawling wisdom, or if you just really want to do anything but work today, Riker Ipsum has you covered. They are doing God’s work.

Oh, you want to see how Riker Ipsum works before you go visit it? If only we had a place to put some text… Oh hey! Here is a small sample of what you’re in for with Riker Ipsum — emphasis ours on our favorite quotes.

Wouldn’t that bring about chaos? In all trust, there is the possibility for betrayal. I’ll be sure to note that in my log. The unexpected is our normal routine. Now, how the hell do we defeat an enemy that knows us better than we know ourselves? I recommend you don’t fire until you’re within 40,000 kilometers. Not if I weaken first. And blowing into maximum warp speed, you appeared for an instant to be in two places at once. Congratulations – you just destroyed the Enterprise. I am your worst nightmare! Sure. You’d be surprised how far a hug goes with Geordi, or Worf. The Federation’s gone; the Borg is everywhere! A surprise party? Mr. Worf, I hate surprise parties. I would *never* do that to you. Now we know what they mean by ‘advanced’ tactical training. Mr. Worf, you sound like a man who’s asking his friend if he can start dating his sister. Smooth as an android’s bottom, eh, Data? We finished our first sensor sweep of the neutral zone. I can’t. As much as I care about you, my first duty is to the ship. Your head is not an artifact! We have a saboteur aboard. Besides, you look good in a dress. Is it my imagination, or have tempers become a little frayed on the ship lately? Our neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory input patterns. Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you.Maybe if we felt any human loss as keenly as we feel one of those close to us, human history would be far less bloody. I’ve had twelve years to think about it. And if I had it to do over again, I would have grabbed the phaser and pointed it at you instead of them. Fear is the true enemy, the only enemy. Why don’t we just give everybody a promotion and call it a night – ‘Commander’?

As you can see, it is pretty much the best, because if there is one thing better than a Riker-ism, it’s a string of Riker-isms without a whiff of context. Check out the full tool for yourself here, and leave us your favorite bits o’ Riker in the comments, if it please you.

Update: In the interest of giving credit where credit is due, this wonderful thing is the work of Jessica Allen, and the Internet owes her a boon for it.

(Riker Ipsum via A Star Trek Fan)

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