Folks, can we have some real talk for a second here? I’m totally down with the whole sexy monsters thing. I get it. Swayze worked it as a ghost. Vampires have had a certain sensual appeal since Stoker, and yeah, I’ll even allow the ‘sexy zombies’ of Warm Bodies. But at some point, we need to draw a line in the sand, or, you know, several. In the interest of doing so, here are seven monsters that we never, ever want to see given the ‘sexy monster’ treatment by Hollywood. Not that we have a lot of pull in Hollywood, but dammit, it’s worth a try.
No. 1 | The Fly
At the risk of coming off as vain, looks do count for something, and half-man, half-bug is not a good look on pretty much anyone. Having your DNA mutated with that of a fly is a look so bad that even Jeff Goldblum himself can't pull it off. Think about that for a second. A form so vile and terrifying that it makes Jeff Goldblum unsexy by extension. I don't even want to live in a world where such a thing is possible.
No. 2 | Minotaur
The minotaur is up there with Medusa, ranking among mythology's greatest 'butterfaces.' From the neck down, minotaurs are generally imagined to look like UFC fighters who crush cars with their bare hands to kill time between fights. From the neck up, though -- big, angry cow head. I like to think that's generally listed as a turn-off. If it's not a deal breaker, though, the original minotaur didn't let a ruminant's mouth keep him from feasting on human flesh, making dinner dates awkward at best. Then again, if zombies and vampires can be sexy, maybe cannibalism isn't the turn-off I've been trying so hard to assume it is.
No. 3 | Ghoul
Cannibalism isn't bad enough for you? How about scavenging the decomposing bodies of the dead for a meal? Undead creatures that possess a legendary stink and long, jagged claws encrusted with grave dirt and rotting flesh, ghouls don't exactly have a lot going for them in the dating game. We have to assume this causes a lot of tension between them and vampires, who are just as dead as ghouls but take considerably better care of themselves and thus score way more chicks.
No. 4 | Kappa
This aquatic monster of Japanese lore has courtly manners on his side...and not much else. Basically a lame version of the Creature from the Black Lagoon, kappa are known for dragging unwary villagers to watery graves and feasting on their livers. If that's not bad enough, the child-sized, turtle-shelled creatures have among the silliest weaknesses in all of folklore: A bowl of water on the top of their head that, if spilled, renders them helpless. That means the kappa is incapable of bowing deeply and, by implication, assuming all manner of other interesting positions the rest of us don't have to worry about.
No. 5 | Goblin
More an annoyance than a real monster, these creatures are impossible even to like, much less fall in love with. They're malicious, sure, pulling pranks and occasionally stealing children, spiriting away young women, and yes, sometimes turning families of tourists into heart-healthy snacks. But goblins lack the sense of real danger attached to, say, a werewolf, and their small stature makes them more likely to die in your chimney than engage you in a romantic entanglement. Finding yourself on intimate terms with a goblin would be like developing an attraction to a opossum that got stuck in your walls -- it simply should not be so.
No. 6 | Troll
Whether it's the green, warty-skinned, hard-to-kill swampdwellers of Dungeons and Dragons lore, Terry Pratchett's anti-social and none-too-bright animated rock piles, or the mohawk and tusk bearing hunters of World of Warcraft, all of our favorite trolls have one thing in common -- they are not exactly known as the most charming sorts. Here's hoping no one tries to rewrite the rules on this one.
No. 7 | Sasquatch
I'm from the Northwest, so I've got nothing against the yeti, bigfoot, sasquatch, skunk ape, or any other of the myriad flavors these creatures come in, but I am willing to say they're not fit fare for sexy times. Not only are the creatures famously withdrawn and shy around humans, a fact that doesn't lead itself to erotica, but many reports also indicate that their hygiene leaves quite a lot to be desired. The skunk ape may be the most notably stinky of the bunch, but purported sasquatch sightings are accompanied by enough reports of overpowering musky odors that odds are no one would want to share a bed with one of these beasts, and not just because it would make Harry and the Hendersons totally weird forever.