geekosystem

This morning, I was lucky enough to stumble on the infographic/educational cartoon that is Judith Butler Explained With Cats. Now, a half hour and most of a pot of french press later, I feel reasonably conversant regarding Dr. Butler's work (I'm probably not, though I'll bet I could be mistaken for it). On a related note, I feel like way more things should be explained in the format of "Socratic dialogues with pictures of kittens," because that is a pretty good way to get me to read them. 

I have a dog, and it's fun to imagine what he might be thinking because he's generally pretty pumped about every single thing that happens. Cats, however, always seem pretty miserable, so imagining what they're thinking would probably be really depressing. Ze Frank settled it once and for all and made this video of sad cat diary entries over pictures of sad cats. It's a little depressing, but it's also hilarious.

Dear cats all over the world, please consider this a public service announcement. What you see right here -- a cat being terrorized by a stoat that seemingly has the power to be in all places simultaneously -- is what it feels like every time you get the midnight crazies and decide to treat the humans who feed, shelter, and (occasionally, during ill-advised bouts of misplaced affection) clothe you as if we are prey. We don't know what's going on, and it's all happening at once, and it's just utterly terrifying and confusing.

Because we feel like maybe you need this right now, (we know we do) here are some videos of cute animals doing things. There's a dog talking about how pumped he is to get a cat, a cat training to be a ninja, and arguably the most obedient dog we've ever seen. Cute pet videos can't fix everything that's wrong with the world, but we're sure glad they're there.

Cats are a pretty big deal on the Internet, so it's fitting that the Internet try to explain what cats are all about. The new video by AsapSCIENCE looks at why cats do the things they do like rubbing against us, purring, and even why they bury their poop. One explanation that's noticeably missing from the video is why Grumpy Cat is so grumpy.

Do you find yourself staying awake at night, wishing there was a way to conveniently track all the cats in London? No? Neither have I, actually. But someone at the Zoological Society of London must have, because they've introduced Cat Map, a map that shows the names, types, location, and even color of London's feline residents. Why would they do this? Because of tigers of course.

Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew, and other times we don't bite at all and just try to swallow an entire mouse. Everyone's tried to swallow a whole mouse before, right? No? Well, Socks sure has. He's an 8-week-old kitten who is adorable because he is a kitten, but he is also a remorseless killing machine. Socks, despite the fact that his teeny tiny wittle kitten mouth wasn't yet big enough, swallowed an entire mouse, but the tail became lodged in his throat. I can has Heimlich?

Now that we live in a society whose cultural output is dominated by videos of kittens, people's gut reaction to cats is largely "Aaaawwwww." That makes it easy to forget that every cat on Earth is a nearly perfect machine built for the sole purpose of murdering small animals. Every now and again, we get a reminder of the fact, and the latest one is an estimate published in the journal Nature Communications this week suggesting that domestic cats in the United States are responsible for the deaths of 3.7 billion birds and  more than 20 billion small mammals every year. Doing that math, it appears that literally every second your beloved pet is not in you lap, it is snuffing out tiny lives with mind-boggling efficiency.

This is a Harvey, a spunky little kitten who, despite the above picture, is not just doing his best T-Rex impression. Harvey was born with a rare disorder known as radial agenesis -- he has bones in his paws, and bones in his upper front legs, but no bones connecting the two, meaning he's had to learn to walk around on his elbow in a sort of perpetual prowl. The condition hasn't affected his demeanor, though -- as you can see in the video below, he's just as eager to chase a fake mouse as other kittens, and just as frustrated when his prey won't succumb to his attacks.

When the morbidly curious staff at England's Longleat Safari Park wanted to know what it looked like to be eaten by a tiger, they did what any thinking person would do and installed some hidden video cameras inside a pair of snowmen situated near the tigers. Snowmen and tigers being natural enemies, the big cats promptly disemboweled the snowmen -- hey, we said they were enemies, not that it was a fair fight -- and made a valiant effort to feast on their remains, offering a never-before-seen look at what it's like to be mauled by a tiger. Well, never before seen by anyone who walked away from it anyway. OK, fine, maybe Roy.

In a recent survey from across the pond that may dampen the Internet's unwavering devotion for funny felines, scientists have concluded that domestic cats in the United Kingdom are posing a serious threat to local bird populations, which has steadily declined over the years. Conservationists have since been trying to convince obstinate cat owners to be more mindful of their pet's hunting behavior and look into options that would prevent any more birds winding up dead on their doorsteps. If action to protect native bird species isn't taken soon, the U.K. is going to be known as the crazy cat lady of the world.

Is the very thought of having to sit through yet another Christmas special about some mutated reindeer with a case of low self-esteem making you sick to your stomach? Tired of being preached the true meaning of Christmas like we're soulless, materialistic goons? Okay, maybe they're right in that regard, but the point is monotony needs a good kick to the curb this holiday season and no Christmas special kicks harder than How the LOLCats Saved Christmas. True, it is yet another paint-by-numbers bastardization of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, but this iteration has 100% more cats per serving compared to other leading versions of the story. Plus, the cats don't stop to sing every five minutes, so that has to count for something.

It's the time of year when a lot of people are looking to book DJs for various holiday events and parties. Might we recommend just letting a cat do the honors? It seems to work pretty well in this video. Sure, the cat would almost definitely scratch whatever album you give it until it's an unplayable mess, but if this doesn't count as a valid excuse to sacrifice your vinyl then we don't know what does. So, go ahead and get Whiskers all jazzed up on catnip and set her loose on the ones and twos. It can't be any worse than listening to an entire Bob Marley album without a cat playing with the turntable.

This is Kiara, the world's first Liliger -- her dad is an African lion, and her mom a lion-tiger hybrid, making her 75% lion, 25% tiger, and one trillion percent our favorite thing on the Internet today, due to her little spots on her little head and also her ability to fall down in slow motion and transition the landing right into a snuggle with her foster mom. Oh, and did we mention her foster mom is a house cat? She totally is, which is like a gajillion extra Cute Points, according to my handy scorecard. The news report mentions that hybrids like Kiara here have their critics, but we couldn't find anyone criticizing her specifically, which is good, because it means we don't have to challenge anyone to pistols at dawn. Because seriously, who could have a problem with this? You would have to be a monster.

Typically speaking, I'm not one to fall for adorable cat pictures. When adorable cat pictures are then overlapped by Team Fortress 2 characters, though, something resonates deep inside. These specific versions comes courtesy of the Le Ginger Snaps Tumblr, though they protest that not all of the cats are their own. Regardless of ownership, engineer is definitely credit to team, as made evident by his clever box-like contraption.