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The dark ages of eating pizza and playing video games are coming to an end now that Pizza Hut has released its official Xbox ordering app, sparing us all the grim fate of putting down the controller to order a pizza. Truly, we live in the future. Now we get to find out how long the future will put up with this kind of crap.

Today in "Totally Reasonable Ransoms" news, a Russian man armed with a handgun and explosives took four people hostage on a college campus. In return for the continued safety of his captives, he had some pretty simple, if slightly confusing, conditions. It turns out, the hostage taker just needed a good meal, demanding only a pizza and a Sprite from police. Which is really shooting rather low, if you ask us. Dude could have gotten a helicopter!

The cardinal rule of any successful robbery -- whether it be a bank, store, or any other establishment carrying copious amounts of cash -- is to maintain control of one's emotions throughout the duration of the forced transaction until it is complete. In other words, do try to keep it cool. A neophyte robber in Helena, Montana failed to heed this adage when holding up a local Papa John's, turning what otherwise should have been a tense situation into an awkward one when he broke down and started bawling in front of the clerk and everyone waiting in line for pizza.

The borders to our Canadian cousins are so close, and yet we tend to do things oh so differently. You see, in the United States, it's frowned upon to reek of the processed and entirely unnatural fast food we tend to scoff down on a regular basis. A scarlet letter indicative of a poor diet and even poorer hygiene, if you will. Canada, on the other hand, views the musk of such edible delights as a badge of honor and mark of loyalty for one's restaurant chain of choice. To reward such unwavering devotion, Pizza Hut Canada handed out bottles of Eau de Pizza Hut -- a pizza-scented perfume -- to 110 lucky Facebook fans after reaching a momentous 100,000 likes on their fan page.

In a stunning blow to the very heart of first world problems, a team of researchers from the University of Texas will present their latest development: An oral strip that dissolves in the mouth and numbs the pain brought on by eating, for example, a piece of pizza on which the cheese was still too hot. With this announcement, all of the important ailments of our world have been officially addressed by science. I guess we'll have to put these guys to work doing something boring like curing cancer, now.

Okay, look: No one thought pizza meat was a thing that was good for us. (If you've been laboring under that delusion, we apologize, but yeah, it's not.) Up until this morning though, most of us were able to suspend our disbelief on that front, for the sake of,  "Come on, you guys, it's a slice of pizza. I quit smoking, what do you WANT out of me?"  We calmly reassure ourselves -- usually somewhere around the 3rd of 4th slice -- that pepperoni is probably not actively bad for us. Wrong. According to a study published today in the online journal mBio, yes, Virginia, pepperoni is totally helping bacteria murder you every time you eat it.

Recently, we learned that it wasn't unusual for a prospective Apple employee to endure a grueling nine-month long interview process. Even after hiring, new employees are frequently put on fake projects in order to test their loyalty. Now, it seems, that Apple's exacting hiring standards extend to its kitchens, as demonstrated by a job posting for a Pizza Chef.

March Madness is upon us, and the Urology Associates of Cape Cod are offering the sweetest deal for those who want to be free of guilt, but also full of food, so they can watch the tournament in peace and without hunger. If you get a vasectomy at the practice, not only will it come with a free pizza, but the practice claims you can now watch the "basketball tournament" "guilt-free." I know whenever I watch basketball, all I can think about is how I'm still able to procreate, and that makes me so guilty that I just can't enjoy any basketball excitement.

Because the world has an unquenchable need to enjoy Angry Birds in every conceivable way, on every conceivable platform. Including pizza.

Back in 2001, rival pizza chain Pizza Hut delivered a pizza to astronauts in space aboard the International Space Station. Not to be outdone, it seems, the Japanese branch of Dominos Pizza has proposed a project that will cost a projected 19 billion smackaroos, 6.4 billion of which will be dedicated to transporting both moon base and pizza construction materials to the moon, weighing in at over 70 tons and spread across 15 rockets.

The plan involves using mineral deposits on the moon in order to keep costs down by making concrete from said deposits. An artist's vision of what will hopefully be named Moon Base Dominos depicts a two story dome with a 26 meter diameter and a steel-plated basement level where the pizzas will be made. Obviously, staff would be required to live there, similar to cruise ship staff, except there probably won't be excursions off the boat to Jamaica and Grand Caiman where you can swim with the dolphins. Moon dolphins, maybe.

Oh, you know, just a pizza made out of pizza-flavored Doritos, pizza-flavored Pringles, pizza-flavored Combos, pizza-flavored Goldfish, and pizza-flavored hummus. Also, it turns out pizza-flavored hummus exists.

(via Obvious Winner)

This may look like an overly elaborate HO-scale model in some German museum somewhere, but it's actually the city of Chicago filmed with the tilt-shift photographic technique. The end result is a bustling metropolis reduced to what appear to be tiny people in a busy little world. Now, Chicago and New York are often compared because of their size, grandeur, opinions about pizza, etc.. Fortunately for the sake of arguing, we can now compare the two cities based on their tilt-shift videos. Which truly is fortunate, because the inherent superiority of Chicago deepdish is something that I don't feel needs to be rehashed. (via Gizmodo)

So this happened: DiGiorno, which is owned by Nestlé, is apparently collaborating with Toll House on a product which consists of a full sized frozen pepperoni pizza and 12 slice-and-bake chocolate chip cookies in the same box. There's no sign of it yet on the product page on DiGiorno's website, but the company says via Twitter: "They're available in grocery stores across the nation, so peak around & if they don't have them then definitely put in a request!" (via Reddit, @digiornopizza via Super Punch)

Yes, those are small pizzas on sticks, topped with fresh basil, tomato sauce, mozzarella, and more. Helpful instructions for making your own at The Decorated Cookie. (via Laughing Squid)

Really. He says "pizza" for about ten minutes straight. I wonder if someone at Google was a fan of the infamous Fillet'O'Fish commercial, shown below.