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Let's say tonight you're on a date with a handsome fella for Valentine's Day. Things are going well, and you start to wonder what he's working with downstairs. You pull out your HP Palm phone, fire up "The Chubby Checker," an app made for guessing penis size, and get an estimate. The real Chubby Checker, the singer, wants everyone to stop doing that, and has filed a lawsuit against HP. Also, you probably blew the date the second you pulled out your Palm phone on the date. It's rude, and who still has a Palm phone?

Looking for a last minute Valentine's Day gift that's really unique? For just a $10 donation to the zoo, you can immortalize your sweetheart by naming one of the Bronx Zoo's 58,000 Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches after them. You'll even get a fancy certificate you can send to remind them of what you've done, even if reminding anyone you care about that you named a roach after them doesn't seem like an advisable thing to do. You've got to give the zoo points for novelty on this one, because no one -- and I mean no one -- expects to be indelibly linked to a huge, noisy terror-bug for Valentine's Day.

Without you my heart is a lonely iceberg. #ValentineFromSpace twitter.com/Cmdr_Hadfield/… — Chris Hadfield (@Cmdr_Hadfield) February 14, 2013

People, can we acknowledge for a moment that Canadian astronaut and ISS Commander Chris Hadfield is absolutely blowing up right now? In the last couple of weeks, dude has hosted a Google Hangout explaining life on the ISS, chatted with Captain Kirk, and rocked out with Barenaked Ladies. This morning, though, found Hadfield getting all poetical, tweeting a Valentine photo of a free-floating iceberg taken from the ISS with the message "Without you my heart is a lonely iceberg." (And since we're all wondering it, sorry, folks, he's spoken for.) People are of course eating it up, because it's totally sweet and from space and... shut up you guys, there's something in my eye! Since Valentine's Day is all about sharing the love, Hadfield wants to hear your space-themed Valentines all day. He'll even be retweeting the best -- or cheesiest -- ones, which is pretty great, but also makes us suspect that running the ISS might be a little easier than we've been led to believe. There seems to be a lot of free time for hanging out on the Internet involved, at least. Get @Cmdr_Hadfield with your best #ValentineFromSpace today, and when it gets retweeted, you can tell your special guy or lady it was all about them -- even if you were getting a little swoony over Hadfield when you sent it, because who doesn't love a man in a space suit? We're not made of stone! You can see some of our favorite #ValentineFromSpace below, and we'll be updating all day, so be sure to check back regularly so you'll have something nice to say to your Valentine tonight, even if you did steal it from the Internet.

If the best way to someone's heart is through their stomach, then why bother spending bundles of cash on gifts and flowers when you could just make your special someone a dish sure to impress? When it comes to Valentine's Day treats though, remember that presentation is just as important as flavor. Fortunately, we've got you covered there, as these tasty snacks and sweets can make you look like a serious Casanova regardless of your culinary skills. Even if your idea of a great home-cooked meal is Chef Boyardee, you're certain to find something you can master here. Chef don’t judge, and neither will we.

Speaking from a purely hard science point of view, we don't get what makes that special someone so special... but we're getting closer to understanding it. AsapSCIENCE is back with its latest installment just in time for Valentine's Day, and they're taking a look at the science behind that crazy little thing called love. Sit back and enjoy it by yourself or with that special someone -- you might even learn a thing or two.

Architectural group BIG has given a large, glowing Valentine to the city of New York with their BIG♥NYC project. It is, quite literally, an enormous heart in the middle of Times Square made from 400 transparent rods that form a 10 foot-tall cube. Lit by LEDs, a large red heart resides in the center of the big cube which can be affected by visitors. Simply pressing a nearby plate will activate the heart, but linking together more people make it beat faster and brighter. Hopefully people will keep some hand sanitizer around, lest this "heart"warming display become a disease vector. See a video of the installation, after the break.

Valentine's Day is a great excuse for awful puns, but artist Ben Kling takes it a step further with his historical figures series of Valentine cards. You Kant believe you went all day without seeing these. On his cards, Kling has taken the likenesses of famous dictators, philosophers, U.S. statesmen, and a few surprising additions to create a set of truly charming and somewhat educational Valentines that you can print out and give to your sweety. And should he or she fail to recognize the significance of the featured historical figure, you can politely inform that they failed the test. See the rest, after the break.

You can decry the vapid commercialism of the modern Valentine's Day all you want, but it has got nothing on the bizarre Valentines of yesteryear. Back in the day, it apparently wasn't all that unusual to express your affection with a card featuring images of violence, suicide, bondage, cannibalism, worm eating, and you don't even want to know what else. Actually, having written that, I think we could afford to bring some of that hilarious weirdness back.

It is that time of year again, folks, when couples (or triples!) have a designated holiday where the calendar tells them to show their significant other(s) how much they are appreciated. Whether or not you coupled people do that every day and don't require a calendar-mandated holiday to remind you why you're paired off with your significant other in the first place, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy some of the oddities that spring forth from the Internet during Valentine's Day, a collection of which we have right here for your viewing pleasure.

Sometimes, you just need a shoulder to cry on. In a cruel twist of fate, if you're the kind of person who needs a shoulder on which to cry on Valentine's Day, you're probably also the kind of person who doesn't have a shoulder to cry on today, aside from your own, but that can cause serious neck strain. Should you be in such a horrible predicament, the Sleepy Weepy Pillow was created with you in mind. Brainchild of mikeasaurus, the Sleepy Weepy Pillow knows when you're crying on it and will attempt to cheer you up with a song.

There's a lot of charm in today's animated Google Doodle for Valentine's Day. First and foremost it looks great, but there's some more subtle things to like about it. For one thing, it's the first time I've seen Google suggest that there are things you can't do with Google -- search as he might, the protagonist of the video cannot find the gift to win the heart of his lady love. Secondly, the whole thrust of the video is that there is no way to "win" someone's heart at all, and that the best connections are made when people act like themselves and share interests. Lastly, the ending montage of happy couples has a gay wedding. Way to go, Google; you really made me feel the love.

When you're a kid, you don't quite grasp the finer points of subtle implication. Or maybe you do, and you use your parents' assumptions otherwise to make them increasingly uneasy with your progressively less subtle suggestions that they are completely at your mercy, now and forever, and you are not to be angered. You know, testing the depths of their denial. Or maybe Michelle here just thought she'd remind her parents that life is a gift, oblivious of the creepy undertones. It has to be the second one, right? Yeah. Right?

We've been saying it for roughly ever, but Angry Birds is coming to every platform you can imagine. This time, on Valentine's Day, your favorite game about birds that commit suicide-murder (oddly backwards) in order to save their children but leave them parentless, will be coming to Facebook.

In a just-released promotional video, Valve makes a very convincing case that the best gift for wooing your sweetheart isn't a box of chocolates or an enormous diamond, but rather a preorder for Portal 2. Hold on: Portal 2 is available for preorder? And defying typical Valve time, that April 19th release date hasn't been cruelly delayed yet again? And Gabe Newell is looking really good lately? Verily, praise is due unto Saint Valentine for this trinity of modern-day miracles. (Portal 2 preorder page)

You can try to be too cool for Valentine's Day all you like, but it's going to happen anyway, and you can't avoid it. You don't have to like it, because it's nearly impossible to like a 99% commercial holiday. But don't try to escape it, because there is no escape. It is a zombie out to get you, and it's here. (You were probably one of those "Was there some kind of game happening today?" people on Super Bowl Sunday. Guess what? Everyone knew that you knew there was a game that day.) But in case there is still a tiny, microscopic neutron inside of you that feels an urge to do something, even something weird, snarky, or slightly mean, then here are some (mostly) printable Valentine's Day cards just for you, lovingly scraped from a few corners of the Web.