When you’re a kid, you don’t quite grasp the finer points of subtle implication. Or maybe you do, and you use your parents’ assumptions otherwise to make them increasingly uneasy with your progressively less subtle suggestions that they are completely at your mercy, now and forever, and you are not to be angered. You know, testing the depths of their denial. Or maybe Michelle here just thought she’d remind her parents that life is a gift, oblivious of the creepy undertones. It has to be the second one, right? Yeah. Right?

We’ve been saying it for roughly ever, but Angry Birds is coming to every platform you can imagine. This time, on Valentine’s Day, your favorite game about birds that commit suicide-murder (oddly backwards) in order to save their children but leave them parentless, will be coming to Facebook.

In a just-released promotional video, Valve makes a very convincing case that the best gift for wooing your sweetheart isn’t a box of chocolates or an enormous diamond, but rather a preorder for Portal 2.

Hold on: Portal 2 is available for preorder? And defying typical Valve time, that April 19th release date hasn’t been cruelly delayed yet again? And Gabe Newell is looking really good lately? Verily, praise is due unto Saint Valentine for this trinity of modern-day miracles.

(Portal 2 preorder page)

You can try to be too cool for Valentine’s Day all you like, but it’s going to happen anyway, and you can’t avoid it. You don’t have to like it, because it’s nearly impossible to like a 99% commercial holiday. But don’t try to escape it, because there is no escape. It is a zombie out to get you, and it’s here. (You were probably one of those “Was there some kind of game happening today?” people on Super Bowl Sunday. Guess what? Everyone knew that you knew there was a game that day.)

But in case there is still a tiny, microscopic neutron inside of you that feels an urge to do something, even something weird, snarky, or slightly mean, then here are some (mostly) printable Valentine’s Day cards just for you, lovingly scraped from a few corners of the Web.

Designer-of-many-things Steve Hoefer may have cracked the conundrum of geeky expressions of affection with his set of Valentine’s Day cards based on the illustrations for actual U.S. patents. These will ensure that there’s no prior art … in their heart.

…And he was born on Valentine’s Day. According to the San Diego Zoo website, “We are pleased to announce the birth of our newest elephant, a male born at 2 a.m. on Sunday, February 14! His mother is Ndlula, his father is Mabhu, and his big brother is Vus’Musi. Mom and calf are doing well.”

Not really feeling Valentine’s day this year? Well, you’re in luck. Today also coincides with the Chinese New Year and the American Presidents’ Day, ensuring that no one the US will be able to eat out or get anything done until Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest, unless, of course, you made your plans beforehand. I think we can agree that “making plans beforehand” and “feeling apathetic towards a holiday” don’t relate well.

Lets take a look at these other options.

Some of these might not make the best last-minute Valentine’s Day gifts or ideas — it’s probably too late to run out to the Fukuoka fruit market or fly to Galesjnak, though heart-shaped pancakes might be doable. But this gallery of heart-shaped things should nevertheless restore your faith in things that are heart-shaped and possibly placate your underwhelmed loved one on Valentine’s Day. It’s the thought that counts, right?

So, after the overwhelming media hogwash, you’ve still forgotten that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day? Or maybe you really meant to go out and get that nice thing, but it just slipped your mind (as always, the Penny Arcade sentiment is timeless). Have no fear, Geekosystem is here.

Below the cut you will find a sampling of the best geeky Valentine cards on the Internet, just waiting for you to print them.

You’re welcome.

If you haven’t been hit over the head with it enough, Valentine’s Day is coming up on Sunday. You already know how to woo the geeky girl and pick memorable gifts, but how to make it really memorable, like, say, by saying “I love you” in Na’vi? Here’s how: